Find your yellow light…

I am not good at slow. 

I am good at stop and go. 

I am good at all or nothing. 

I am not good with in between bullshit. 

I like answers. 

I like direction. 

I like plans. 

I am not good at resting in the moment.

I want more.

I want great.

—————

A flashing yellow light signifies: proceed with caution. I feel like I AM a flashing yellow light. 
I put out that I need caution, time, patience and understanding, but I don’t know how to do it for myself. 

I am not patient with myself. 

Most of the time, I feel like I need to dive in head first for fear that the water won’t always be there for me to feel. In those moments, I usually  end up drowning. Other times, I just don’t even try to test out the water because my anxiety or skeptismn gets the best of me. There isn’t an between. There isn’t a happy medium. There is just stop and go. 

Stop or go usually just results in me becoming increasingly frustrated with myself. 

Why can’t I just let myself wade? 

Why can’t I down shift and just go slower? 

Why am I either green or red? 

Where is my yellow? 

I am in charge of my happiness. I am in control of my calm. I am going to find my yellow light that prepares me for my stop and let’s me rest from my go.  
Stay grateful, stay patient, 

-KP

August 25, 2016August 25, 2016 by kpfeelfotos Categories: Art, future, lifestyle, newbeginnings, past, Uncategorized Leave a comment

Wading in the Shallows

I recently moved back home and it has been a flood of emotions. I feel a little like Gumby being pulled a million directions at once. I am incredibly loved by my family and friends and that is a feeling that goes unmatched with any other emotion. I felt the need to write something because I feel a disconnect or misunderstanding of myself with so many people I love and who love me back.

I feel loved every single day, but why does it overwhelm me? 

• I am learning how to be around people again. For the past 6 months I have lived a very private, secluded life. If I did spend time with people there was emotional distance. I built a lot of walls around myself. I was very selective in who I allowed within my space of time. Old habits die hard. 
• I am learning to eat again. I am used to eating alone. For the past six months I rarely cooked. I was perfectly content living off of tortilla chips, guacamole and Trader Joe’s salads. Sitting down for an actual meal is challenging for me, not really the eating part, but the conversation part. I either feel compelled to spill out unnecessary words or I eat too fast in order to deflect any attention that might be directed to me. 
• I am learning time management again. I didn’t have to figure out when I was going to see friends or family because I could count the people in my life on one hand. I mostly communicated with the help of my iPhone. Technology made my social interactions be on MY time. I didn’t have to actively find time to create because anytime I wasn’t working, I was free to create, explore and photograph. 
• I am learning to sleep again. Do you know how quiet the country is compared to the city? Silence is deafening for me at times. It takes me forever to fall asleep. I am adjusting to normal sleeping habits and Eastern Time Zone. Melatonin is becoming my saving grace and I’m reluctant to let go of my Pacific Standard frame of mind only because it signifies definite change. 

I am immersing myself back into a culture of love. I’m immersing myself back into home and stability. IT TAKES TIME. I am still Korie, but I have grown. If you feel I’m different, it’s because I am. If you feel I’m distant, it’s because I am. If you feel I’m tired, it’s because I am. If you feel I’m quiet, it’s because I am. While you’ve been talking the past six months, I have been writing. My journal has been my companion. 

To answer the question everyone seems to want to ask, what can you do? 

I am okay. If I need to talk, I will. When those moments arise, be a listener. Know that if I’m choosing to let you in and give you pieces of myself it’s because I trust you. Do not take my trust in you lightly. Tell me about YOU, let me connect with you without making it about me. Let me listen. Let me process. Let me be a support to you as you have been to me. Let me love you as you have been and continue to love me. Give me time. Let me heal how I need. Let me be. Please, just give me space and let me breathe. Lastly, try to understand that it’s truly not you, it’s me. I’m learning to step back into life and I cannot dive in. I’m only in the shallow end right now, so don’t push me into the deep. I’m not going anywhere, I’m here. I’m home. 

August 7, 2016August 7, 2016 by kpfeelfotos Categories: Family, friends, lifestyle, newbeginnings, past, Uncategorized Leave a comment

April 10, 2016

Fun fact: April 10th is always the 100th day of the year (101st if it’s a leap year).

About three months ago I wrote 25: an 8 month review and when I sit and reflect I have already learned so much more about myself since that post. It is a beautiful thing when you can even surprise yourself. I want to continue growing forward in year 26. I am using my writing as a way to hold myself accountable as I go into this next year of life. My journey of self discovery is never ending and if years of your life can be given chapter titles, then this year will be called STRENGTH.

In my life I have never taken the time to look at my moments of strength. I have just powered through them.

You know when you’re a kid and you constantly dream of flying or being bigger than you are? I remember always feeling the desire to go places. I didn’t care where. I just wanted to go and I knew I couldn’t do that unless I was bigger. So, what did I want to be when I grew up?

BIGGER.

I don’t know if that feeling ever goes away because I am bigger than I was when I was seven and I am still shooting for greatness. That is the change. It’s not about being bigger physically, but being bigger mentally. I am striving for my greatness. I am, for the first time ever, taking time to view my own strength. And just so you know, it is terrifying. Viewing my own strength throughout my life is causing me to face some demons. I have been told all of my life that I am strong. I have been told that people “admire my strength” or they have been “inspired by my strength.” It is appreciated, but unfortunately, you have to go through some tough shit in life in order to receive these accolades of strength.

I can remember my first moment of conscious strength. Story time…

I was eight years old when I saw my brother’s lifeless body laying in a sterile hospital room. I didn’t cry. I didn’t speak. I didn’t turn away. Somehow, I understood in that moment that my brother was gone. That moment of understanding was my first dip into the raging waters of emotional strength, but the moments that followed are my first recollections of conscious, raw and unwavering strength.

My mother had just lost her youngest child and her only son. So, naturally she held on tight when she got me in her arms. I remember sitting on her lap while she cried. She said, “you’re my baby” over and over. I held her. I comforted her. I hugged her. I didn’t dare shed a tear. I patted her back. I let her cry. I let her feel. I stood strong. Somehow, I knew that is what was needed. At eight years old I determined how I would handle challenging situations for the rest of my life. On that day, in that moment, the foundation was laid for my pillar. My pillar of strength.

So that’s the intro to the next chapter and journey. I am going to take the time to look at each moment of strength as I prepare my heart and soul for the future moments when I am going to need all of the strength that I can muster. I invite you to go along with me, but please respect that this is not going to be easy for me. I ask for encouragement and patience as I process and reflect on my life. I will be writing in excerpts, but please do not be alarmed if there are long droughts between postings. I am stepping into this year hour by hour; one day at a time. I will be keeping my promise of transparency, but it will be at my own pace. I look forward to the moments of peace and understanding. Let’s do this. Here’s to year 26.

  

  

  

  

    

  

  

  

  

  

  

 ***speacial thanks to my dear friend Aimee Grills for capturing these shots of me. Thank you for believing in The Queen  Project and letting me show my beauty. (The Queen Project)

April 11, 2016April 11, 2016 by kpfeelfotos Categories: Art, beauty, curlyhair, lifestyle, newbeginnings, photography, Uncategorized, women Leave a comment

25: an 8 month review.

Something changed within myself when I turned 25. I have been trying to put my finger on what exactly for the past 8 months. In the simplest of terms 25 has been a year of discovery. 25 is the year that I will look back on for the rest of my life as a symbol. It is the year that I have learned the most about myself thus far.

I learned to be comfortable and PROUD of being a woman. Do you know how badass we are as females?!

I learned that I love getting my nails done and wearing lipstick. Nails and lips are just natural accessories in my opinion.

I learned that my days of staying out late and drinking are long gone. Have you tried living through a hang over lately? Yeah, it is the pits and SO not worth it.

I learned that I really don’t mind waking up early even though I still like my slow starting mornings.

I learned that iced coffee is a necessity-daily-and I’ve got no shame admitting that.

I learned that it is inevitable that I will get teary eyed, or even completely let the tears flow, over a great TV show, movie or book.

I learned that girl friends are also soul mates and text messages are essential for any long distance soulmateship. (I like that. can I coin that word?)

I learned that wine and tacos are terrific period remedies. And I mean one WHOLE bottle.

I learned that my art matters and to be proud and confident are essential keys in creating more.

I learned to love myself from my head to my toes.

I learned that I love wearing hats and pairing together new outfits from old clothes.

I learned that boots are my favorite footwear.

I learned that I hate carrying a purse; but do it anyway because how else am I going to carry around everything that I seem to think I need on a daily basis?

I learned to feel even more comfortable having time to myself. Shout out to all the introverts!

I learned that journaling is an essential part of my creative and emotional process.

I learned to challenge myself on a daily basis…or weekly, if I’m being completely honest, because somedays I just don’t feel like it. (Revert back to wine and tacos on those days.)

I learned that friends become family and family is forever. Forever? forever, ever.

I learned that I love romance in the simplest of forms. I deserve to be spoiled and it’s okay to admit it!

I learned that browsing through a book or record store makes for the perfect day.

I learned that I am too selfish and spontaneous to ever want kids in the near future…or ever. Who knows? I am still learning!

I learned that forgiveness is one of the hardest and most honest forms of loving someone.

I learned that I LOVE brunch. Like, I would have brunch everyday. Please.

I learned that nostalgia is a beautiful and heartbreaking thing and I will forever miss only being a 7 minute drive from my very best friends.

I learned that I need to be in front of the camera MORE even though I really love being behind it a lot of the time.

I learned to accept any challenge that is thrown my way. I may not like it or be ready for it, but I sure as hell can WILL overcome it.

I’m still a work in progress and who knows that else I will learn. After writing this I feel like I just caught up with an old friend. I’ve missed you guys. I hope you enjoy.

Stay grateful,

KP

 

 

 

January 25, 2016April 10, 2016 by kpfeelfotos Categories: Art, beauty, Family, friends, lifestyle, newbeginnings, pastTags: 25, lifestyle, women 2 Comments