I recently moved back home and it has been a flood of emotions. I feel a little like Gumby being pulled a million directions at once. I am incredibly loved by my family and friends and that is a feeling that goes unmatched with any other emotion. I felt the need to write something because I feel a disconnect or misunderstanding of myself with so many people I love and who love me back.
I feel loved every single day, but why does it overwhelm me?
- I am learning how to be around people again. For the past 6 months I have lived a very private, secluded life. If I did spend time with people there was emotional distance. I built a lot of walls around myself. I was very selective in who I allowed within my space of time. Old habits die hard.
- I am learning to eat again. I am used to eating alone. For the past six months I rarely cooked. I was perfectly content living off of tortilla chips, guacamole and Trader Joe’s salads. Sitting down for an actual meal is challenging for me, not really the eating part, but the conversation part. I either feel compelled to spill out unnecessary words or I eat too fast in order to deflect any attention that might be directed to me.
- I am learning time management again. I didn’t have to figure out when I was going to see friends or family because I could count the people in my life on one hand. I mostly communicated with the help of my iPhone. Technology made my social interactions be on MY time. I didn’t have to actively find time to create because anytime I wasn’t working, I was free to create, explore and photograph.
- I am learning to sleep again. Do you know how quiet the country is compared to the city? Silence is deafening for me at times. It takes me forever to fall asleep. I am adjusting to normal sleeping habits and Eastern Time Zone. Melatonin is becoming my saving grace and I’m reluctant to let go of my Pacific Standard frame of mind only because it signifies definite change.
I am immersing myself back into a culture of love. I’m immersing myself back into home and stability. IT TAKES TIME. I am still Korie, but I have grown. If you feel I’m different, it’s because I am. If you feel I’m distant, it’s because I am. If you feel I’m tired, it’s because I am. If you feel I’m quiet, it’s because I am. While you’ve been talking the past six months, I have been writing. My journal has been my companion.
To answer the question everyone seems to want to ask, what can you do?
I am okay. If I need to talk, I will. When those moments arise, be a listener. Know that if I’m choosing to let you in and give you pieces of myself it’s because I trust you. Do not take my trust in you lightly. Tell me about YOU, let me connect with you without making it about me. Let me listen. Let me process. Let me be a support to you as you have been to me. Let me love you as you have been and continue to love me. Give me time. Let me heal how I need. Let me be. Please, just give me space and let me breathe. Lastly, try to understand that it’s truly not you, it’s me. I’m learning to step back into life and I cannot dive in. I’m only in the shallow end right now, so don’t push me into the deep. I’m not going anywhere, I’m here. I’m home.
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