All of the Snowflakes

 I stumbled upon my old WIX site at a time where I needed encouraging and comforting most, so I decided to share with you all too…

April 27, 2015

Unfortunately I did not have the time to complete a post for last week. I have been extremely busy with work and I just couldn’t find the time to sit down and compile all of my thoughts. When I look back on last week it was filled with so many emotions.

On Thursday, I went to my grandparents house to spend some time with them and pick up a few things. My grandparents have been going through things at their home, so they have been finding a lot of cool things and pictures and asked me if I wanted some of them. My grandma found an old diary that she thought was mine. I did not recognize it and I could not get it open at the time, but once I did get it open I discovered that it was my mom’s diary from the year before I was born. This was an amazing discovery. It was so incredible to learn about her and read her thoughts from that time. It is filled with stories about her hanging out with her friends and going on dates. It is definitely the diary of a teenage girl, but it just fascinated me. There are only a few pages, but it gave me a chance to know my mom a little more than I did before. I never thought that I would have the opportunity to know more than I already knew. There are entries about dumb decisions that she made, happy moments, sad moments and even when she found out about being pregnant with me.

Having the opportunity to read excerpts from her life made me want to continue my photography and writing even more. I did not get the chance to ask my mom many questions about her life before me. I would have loved to know her on a deeper level and because she took the time to write even a few entries in an old diary I was able to connect with her. The pages I read gave me an understanding of the woman she was and the way that she thought. She was trying to figure out life and she was so scared when she learned that she was pregnant, but her excitement for getting to know me outweighed that fear. I am so glad that my mom wanted to know me because for a moment she considered aborting me. My life would have been nonexistent and I am sure her life would have been much different if that were the case. She made the decision to become a mother. She wrote an entry where she talked about how excited she was about having a baby. She expressed her concern about making it work, but she was still willing to do it. She wrote her baby name ideas in that entry as well. I was not given either one of these names, but it was so neat to see that she was thinking about me before I was even here.

 There are moments where I can feel my mom with me. Even after over 10 years without her I can still feel her spirit. I notice her when I look at my hands because they remind me of hers. I notice her in my love of photography because she always wanted to capture moments. I feel her presence when I listen to Whitney Houston songs because we used to jam out in the car together. I feel her presence when the first snow falls because she used to wake me up to watch the snow when I was little. I see her when I look in the mirror at my eyes. I can still remember her voice. I can still remember her laugh. Touching the words that she wrote in a diary made me feel close to her in a way that I have not felt in quite some time. Even though she is physically gone from this earth I know that I will always have a connection to her. Finding her diary was an amazing surprise and I honestly can’t fully put into words the emotion that I feel about that. I am thankful for memories and reminders that make me think of her.

 4/23/2015

Momma,

 I found your diary today. I would literally laugh out loud at some of the things you wrote.  I could tell that you had a free and fun spirit even at a young age. Rules didn’t seem to apply to you-which I think caught up with you at times. Thank you for using writing as an outlet even if it was for a short time. I think eighteen year old you and eighteen year old me would have been friends. You seemed to really enjoy life and loved to make people feel special. I wish that things could have worked out differently for you and you could have ended up with “the man of your dreams” at the time. I hope that you found the happiness you longed for. Thank you for keeping me and thank you for loving me. Thank you for giving up a life style of drugs and alcohol in order to bring me into this world. Thank you for thinking of me before yourself. Thank you for being my mom. I may not understand some of the decisions that you made, but I can know that you did what you thought was best for me. I wish that I could have a conversation with you and tell you all of my thoughts and ask you all of my questions, but this letter will have to be enough. I am proud of your nineteen year old self for making adult decisions. I am proud to call you my mom and that will never change. I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my mommy you’ll be.

 Love you more than all of the snowflakes that will fall,

 Korie

August 29, 2016 by kpfeelfotos Categories: Uncategorized Leave a comment

Find your yellow light…

I am not good at slow. 

I am good at stop and go. 

I am good at all or nothing. 

I am not good with in between bullshit. 

I like answers. 

I like direction. 

I like plans. 

I am not good at resting in the moment.

I want more.

I want great.

—————

A flashing yellow light signifies: proceed with caution. I feel like I AM a flashing yellow light. 
I put out that I need caution, time, patience and understanding, but I don’t know how to do it for myself. 

I am not patient with myself. 

Most of the time, I feel like I need to dive in head first for fear that the water won’t always be there for me to feel. In those moments, I usually  end up drowning. Other times, I just don’t even try to test out the water because my anxiety or skeptismn gets the best of me. There isn’t an between. There isn’t a happy medium. There is just stop and go. 

Stop or go usually just results in me becoming increasingly frustrated with myself. 

Why can’t I just let myself wade? 

Why can’t I down shift and just go slower? 

Why am I either green or red? 

Where is my yellow? 

I am in charge of my happiness. I am in control of my calm. I am going to find my yellow light that prepares me for my stop and let’s me rest from my go.  
Stay grateful, stay patient, 

-KP

August 25, 2016August 25, 2016 by kpfeelfotos Categories: Art, future, lifestyle, newbeginnings, past, Uncategorized Leave a comment

iwrite…

I have been in one of my writing droughts. I have let life take over and I haven’t taken enough time to sit and write out my thoughts. This is detrimental to who I am. I feel unbalanced, anxious and confused. Writing is something that I enjoy doing it, but it’s more of a necessity in my life than anything.

I write to process.

I write to release the hopes buried in my soul.

I write to spill out the desires burning in my chest.

I write to replace tears I am tired of shedding.

I write to remind myself of my inner truths.

I write to keep myself focused on growing forward.

I write to remember.

I write to guide myself.

I write to encourage myself.

I write because I am a maker, a creative and a writer.

So, here are some words I have written. These words have been a facilitator in my own personal healing:

Broken people attract other broken people because there is a natural understanding there. It can be healthy, but you can’t expect to complete one another with broken pieces. Those pieces have to be mended on your own. -KP

Being witness to another soul’s growth is a true honor. -KP

You will always have reminders. Grieving doesn’t have rules. -KP

Home used to be the smell of craft beer and American Spirits. -KP

You’re allowed to be tired: it symbolizes hard work, perseverance and survival of struggle. There’s still beauty in sleepless eyes. -KP

Cameras are time machines. Devises that capture and hold single moments that unwind into beautiful tales. -KP

Practice resting in good things even if they aren’t exactly what you want. You still have to appreciate the present goodness around you. -KP

If we can go places and meet people in our dreams, maybe we aren’t as far away as we feel. -KP

Ours will be the greatest story ever told even if the words never leave the pages of my leather bond book. Continue to push your love out into the world; unseen things still exist. -KP

You learn a person through listening and observation. Those tissues next to the bed? They might be for all of the tears cried while missing you. -KP

Learn yourself. If consistency is your necessity, do not accept inconsistency. If honesty brings you calmness, do not let dishonesty into your home. If loving is your vice continue to let your heart burst, and be increasingly thankful for those that allow you to love them. -KP

Finding a latch; a missing key to your locked heart takes patience. There is beauty in the rust created while waiting. -KP

Life looks different now. Getting used to the difference stings, but you have to make new memories for yourself to muddle the feelings of hurt. -KP

In my experience time lines for pain rarely work. Heartbreak has no rules. -KP

Much greatness can come from the joining of creative minds, but must destruction if joined with ill intentions. Do not let cautiousness overshadow vulnerability. -KP

You might be in the midst of the worst right now, but that heavy feeling will get lighter. -KP

Don’t make me your everything. Make me your something that makes everything better. -KP

 

 

August 22, 2016August 22, 2016 by kpfeelfotos Categories: Uncategorized Leave a comment

Wading in the Shallows

I recently moved back home and it has been a flood of emotions. I feel a little like Gumby being pulled a million directions at once. I am incredibly loved by my family and friends and that is a feeling that goes unmatched with any other emotion. I felt the need to write something because I feel a disconnect or misunderstanding of myself with so many people I love and who love me back.

I feel loved every single day, but why does it overwhelm me? 

• I am learning how to be around people again. For the past 6 months I have lived a very private, secluded life. If I did spend time with people there was emotional distance. I built a lot of walls around myself. I was very selective in who I allowed within my space of time. Old habits die hard. 
• I am learning to eat again. I am used to eating alone. For the past six months I rarely cooked. I was perfectly content living off of tortilla chips, guacamole and Trader Joe’s salads. Sitting down for an actual meal is challenging for me, not really the eating part, but the conversation part. I either feel compelled to spill out unnecessary words or I eat too fast in order to deflect any attention that might be directed to me. 
• I am learning time management again. I didn’t have to figure out when I was going to see friends or family because I could count the people in my life on one hand. I mostly communicated with the help of my iPhone. Technology made my social interactions be on MY time. I didn’t have to actively find time to create because anytime I wasn’t working, I was free to create, explore and photograph. 
• I am learning to sleep again. Do you know how quiet the country is compared to the city? Silence is deafening for me at times. It takes me forever to fall asleep. I am adjusting to normal sleeping habits and Eastern Time Zone. Melatonin is becoming my saving grace and I’m reluctant to let go of my Pacific Standard frame of mind only because it signifies definite change. 

I am immersing myself back into a culture of love. I’m immersing myself back into home and stability. IT TAKES TIME. I am still Korie, but I have grown. If you feel I’m different, it’s because I am. If you feel I’m distant, it’s because I am. If you feel I’m tired, it’s because I am. If you feel I’m quiet, it’s because I am. While you’ve been talking the past six months, I have been writing. My journal has been my companion. 

To answer the question everyone seems to want to ask, what can you do? 

I am okay. If I need to talk, I will. When those moments arise, be a listener. Know that if I’m choosing to let you in and give you pieces of myself it’s because I trust you. Do not take my trust in you lightly. Tell me about YOU, let me connect with you without making it about me. Let me listen. Let me process. Let me be a support to you as you have been to me. Let me love you as you have been and continue to love me. Give me time. Let me heal how I need. Let me be. Please, just give me space and let me breathe. Lastly, try to understand that it’s truly not you, it’s me. I’m learning to step back into life and I cannot dive in. I’m only in the shallow end right now, so don’t push me into the deep. I’m not going anywhere, I’m here. I’m home. 

August 7, 2016August 7, 2016 by kpfeelfotos Categories: Family, friends, lifestyle, newbeginnings, past, Uncategorized Leave a comment