April 27, 2015
Unfortunately I did not have the time to complete a post for last week. I have been extremely busy with work and I just couldn’t find the time to sit down and compile all of my thoughts. When I look back on last week it was filled with so many emotions.
On Thursday, I went to my grandparents house to spend some time with them and pick up a few things. My grandparents have been going through things at their home, so they have been finding a lot of cool things and pictures and asked me if I wanted some of them. My grandma found an old diary that she thought was mine. I did not recognize it and I could not get it open at the time, but once I did get it open I discovered that it was my mom’s diary from the year before I was born. This was an amazing discovery. It was so incredible to learn about her and read her thoughts from that time. It is filled with stories about her hanging out with her friends and going on dates. It is definitely the diary of a teenage girl, but it just fascinated me. There are only a few pages, but it gave me a chance to know my mom a little more than I did before. I never thought that I would have the opportunity to know more than I already knew. There are entries about dumb decisions that she made, happy moments, sad moments and even when she found out about being pregnant with me.
Having the opportunity to read excerpts from her life made me want to continue my photography and writing even more. I did not get the chance to ask my mom many questions about her life before me. I would have loved to know her on a deeper level and because she took the time to write even a few entries in an old diary I was able to connect with her. The pages I read gave me an understanding of the woman she was and the way that she thought. She was trying to figure out life and she was so scared when she learned that she was pregnant, but her excitement for getting to know me outweighed that fear. I am so glad that my mom wanted to know me because for a moment she considered aborting me. My life would have been nonexistent and I am sure her life would have been much different if that were the case. She made the decision to become a mother. She wrote an entry where she talked about how excited she was about having a baby. She expressed her concern about making it work, but she was still willing to do it. She wrote her baby name ideas in that entry as well. I was not given either one of these names, but it was so neat to see that she was thinking about me before I was even here.
There are moments where I can feel my mom with me. Even after over 10 years without her I can still feel her spirit. I notice her when I look at my hands because they remind me of hers. I notice her in my love of photography because she always wanted to capture moments. I feel her presence when I listen to Whitney Houston songs because we used to jam out in the car together. I feel her presence when the first snow falls because she used to wake me up to watch the snow when I was little. I see her when I look in the mirror at my eyes. I can still remember her voice. I can still remember her laugh. Touching the words that she wrote in a diary made me feel close to her in a way that I have not felt in quite some time. Even though she is physically gone from this earth I know that I will always have a connection to her. Finding her diary was an amazing surprise and I honestly can’t fully put into words the emotion that I feel about that. I am thankful for memories and reminders that make me think of her.
4/23/2015
Momma,
I found your diary today. I would literally laugh out loud at some of the things you wrote. I could tell that you had a free and fun spirit even at a young age. Rules didn’t seem to apply to you-which I think caught up with you at times. Thank you for using writing as an outlet even if it was for a short time. I think eighteen year old you and eighteen year old me would have been friends. You seemed to really enjoy life and loved to make people feel special. I wish that things could have worked out differently for you and you could have ended up with “the man of your dreams” at the time. I hope that you found the happiness you longed for. Thank you for keeping me and thank you for loving me. Thank you for giving up a life style of drugs and alcohol in order to bring me into this world. Thank you for thinking of me before yourself. Thank you for being my mom. I may not understand some of the decisions that you made, but I can know that you did what you thought was best for me. I wish that I could have a conversation with you and tell you all of my thoughts and ask you all of my questions, but this letter will have to be enough. I am proud of your nineteen year old self for making adult decisions. I am proud to call you my mom and that will never change. I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my mommy you’ll be.
Love you more than all of the snowflakes that will fall,
Korie
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