Sometimes life doesn’t happen the way we think it will. Life is full of plot twists, but nobody talks about them for fear of being judged. No one’s path is the same and we are each our own individual. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have been on a journey of self discovery and love. I haven’t posted any of my writing in quite some time, but I have been filling the pages of my journal. I realized that I haven’t been posting out of fear. Fear of judgement, fear of loss and fear of reality.
Being vulnerable is terrifying, but I am now allowing myself to leave those fears behind…
I finally feel ready to share my heart and fully embrace the new journey that is in front of me. These past few months have been brutal. I have been trying to hold my shit together while diving into my job and my passion as much as possible, but my heart has been at war fighting against a word that I have always considered a bad word.
The D word.
DIVORCE.
I was raised in the church and can vividly remember sitting in a Bride Wore White class as a young girl proclaiming, “divorce is never an option!” We were told that sex before marriage was a terrible sin and our duty as women was to be faithful, supportive and submissive to your husbands.
Divorce was not talked about because it was not an option…or maybe it wasn’t talked about because of fear.
When it was spoken about it was in a very negative tone, words dripping with judgement covered by stains of failure.Obviously, when you make the choice to commit to marry someone, you do not have plans for that union to end. You love that person, you trust that person and you chose to start a life with them for a reason. You took vows and made promises to that person.
What happens when you fail to live up to those vows and promises?
What happens when you fail as a wife?
What happens when you fail as a husband?
I don’t have have the answers to these questions, so don’t look to me for that guidance. I am just figuring life out as it happens just like you. All I do know is that there are two sides to every story…wrongs are done by both parties…everyone has their process…privacy is a luxury…and heartbreak cannot be put into words, so I refuse to dwell on trying to fill lines of this page with unexplainable rationalities.
Sometimes,
LIFE.
JUST.
HAPPENS.
and I’ve learned that it will be okay.*
*OKAY: from the Greek word “Ola Kala” meaning everything’s fine.
LIFE IS FULL OF PLOT TWISTS.
These past few months I have went through every emotion imaginable.
I have had sleepless nights.
I have had days without food due to lack of appetite.
I have had nights filled with laughter.
I have gotten angry for petty reasons.
I have doubted myself.
I have doubted others.
I have cried in the shower and my car because I refuse to lose it at work or in public.
I have grieved.
I have smiled.
I have loved others.
I have let others love me.
I have had panic attacks.
I have been grateful and thankful.
Throughout these months I began seeking professional counsel. I have been challenged to work through my emotions even when they scare me. I constantly question myself. For reasons that I am continuing to learn; I seek approval for my feelings because I have a severe fear of failure and a deep longing for approval. I am just like the majority of America who struggles with anxiety, but I was ashamed of it for so long. See, when you’re a kid (or at least when I was) and look at people older than you it seems like they have their shit together. It seems like they never trip, stumble or fall. It seems like they take the world on with an unquestionable grace.
They seem OKAY.
You see…in the midst of these emotions I have been learning…
I have been learning to have faith again.
I have been learning who I am as an individual.
I have been learning to love myself.
I have been learning to see the beauty in myself and my surroundings.
I have been learning what it means to grow up.
I have been learning that is is okay to feel how I feel.
I have been learning that sometimes leaving is a necessity.
I have been learning that redirecting is healing.
I have been learning that right now I am right where I need to be.
Right now…
I am a 26 year old divorced female who has been living 2, 500 miles away from my family and closest friends. I spend every day working; either my “9-5” or pursuing my passion. I end most of my nights with wine and writing. I have a roommate who has become family. I work out at least three times a week and feel truly healthy for the first time in my life. I am supporting myself financially and failing at times. I am forming a life completely different than the one I thought I would ever be living. Right now, am I okay? No, but I will be and when you see me I will look like I have my shit together because, I’m magic and, I do.
“Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing.”-Elizabeth Gilbert
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