Fun fact: April 10th is always the 100th day of the year (101st if it’s a leap year).
About three months ago I wrote 25: an 8 month review and when I sit and reflect I have already learned so much more about myself since that post. It is a beautiful thing when you can even surprise yourself. I want to continue growing forward in year 26. I am using my writing as a way to hold myself accountable as I go into this next year of life. My journey of self discovery is never ending and if years of your life can be given chapter titles, then this year will be called STRENGTH.
In my life I have never taken the time to look at my moments of strength. I have just powered through them.
You know when you’re a kid and you constantly dream of flying or being bigger than you are? I remember always feeling the desire to go places. I didn’t care where. I just wanted to go and I knew I couldn’t do that unless I was bigger. So, what did I want to be when I grew up?
BIGGER.
I don’t know if that feeling ever goes away because I am bigger than I was when I was seven and I am still shooting for greatness. That is the change. It’s not about being bigger physically, but being bigger mentally. I am striving for my greatness. I am, for the first time ever, taking time to view my own strength. And just so you know, it is terrifying. Viewing my own strength throughout my life is causing me to face some demons. I have been told all of my life that I am strong. I have been told that people “admire my strength” or they have been “inspired by my strength.” It is appreciated, but unfortunately, you have to go through some tough shit in life in order to receive these accolades of strength.
I can remember my first moment of conscious strength. Story time…
I was eight years old when I saw my brother’s lifeless body laying in a sterile hospital room. I didn’t cry. I didn’t speak. I didn’t turn away. Somehow, I understood in that moment that my brother was gone. That moment of understanding was my first dip into the raging waters of emotional strength, but the moments that followed are my first recollections of conscious, raw and unwavering strength.
My mother had just lost her youngest child and her only son. So, naturally she held on tight when she got me in her arms. I remember sitting on her lap while she cried. She said, “you’re my baby” over and over. I held her. I comforted her. I hugged her. I didn’t dare shed a tear. I patted her back. I let her cry. I let her feel. I stood strong. Somehow, I knew that is what was needed. At eight years old I determined how I would handle challenging situations for the rest of my life. On that day, in that moment, the foundation was laid for my pillar. My pillar of strength.
So that’s the intro to the next chapter and journey. I am going to take the time to look at each moment of strength as I prepare my heart and soul for the future moments when I am going to need all of the strength that I can muster. I invite you to go along with me, but please respect that this is not going to be easy for me. I ask for encouragement and patience as I process and reflect on my life. I will be writing in excerpts, but please do not be alarmed if there are long droughts between postings. I am stepping into this year hour by hour; one day at a time. I will be keeping my promise of transparency, but it will be at my own pace. I look forward to the moments of peace and understanding. Let’s do this. Here’s to year 26.
***speacial thanks to my dear friend Aimee Grills for capturing these shots of me. Thank you for believing in The Queen Project and letting me show my beauty. (The Queen Project)
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