Wading in the Shallows

I recently moved back home and it has been a flood of emotions. I feel a little like Gumby being pulled a million directions at once. I am incredibly loved by my family and friends and that is a feeling that goes unmatched with any other emotion. I felt the need to write something because I feel a disconnect or misunderstanding of myself with so many people I love and who love me back.

I feel loved every single day, but why does it overwhelm me? 

• I am learning how to be around people again. For the past 6 months I have lived a very private, secluded life. If I did spend time with people there was emotional distance. I built a lot of walls around myself. I was very selective in who I allowed within my space of time. Old habits die hard. 
• I am learning to eat again. I am used to eating alone. For the past six months I rarely cooked. I was perfectly content living off of tortilla chips, guacamole and Trader Joe’s salads. Sitting down for an actual meal is challenging for me, not really the eating part, but the conversation part. I either feel compelled to spill out unnecessary words or I eat too fast in order to deflect any attention that might be directed to me. 
• I am learning time management again. I didn’t have to figure out when I was going to see friends or family because I could count the people in my life on one hand. I mostly communicated with the help of my iPhone. Technology made my social interactions be on MY time. I didn’t have to actively find time to create because anytime I wasn’t working, I was free to create, explore and photograph. 
• I am learning to sleep again. Do you know how quiet the country is compared to the city? Silence is deafening for me at times. It takes me forever to fall asleep. I am adjusting to normal sleeping habits and Eastern Time Zone. Melatonin is becoming my saving grace and I’m reluctant to let go of my Pacific Standard frame of mind only because it signifies definite change. 

I am immersing myself back into a culture of love. I’m immersing myself back into home and stability. IT TAKES TIME. I am still Korie, but I have grown. If you feel I’m different, it’s because I am. If you feel I’m distant, it’s because I am. If you feel I’m tired, it’s because I am. If you feel I’m quiet, it’s because I am. While you’ve been talking the past six months, I have been writing. My journal has been my companion. 

To answer the question everyone seems to want to ask, what can you do? 

I am okay. If I need to talk, I will. When those moments arise, be a listener. Know that if I’m choosing to let you in and give you pieces of myself it’s because I trust you. Do not take my trust in you lightly. Tell me about YOU, let me connect with you without making it about me. Let me listen. Let me process. Let me be a support to you as you have been to me. Let me love you as you have been and continue to love me. Give me time. Let me heal how I need. Let me be. Please, just give me space and let me breathe. Lastly, try to understand that it’s truly not you, it’s me. I’m learning to step back into life and I cannot dive in. I’m only in the shallow end right now, so don’t push me into the deep. I’m not going anywhere, I’m here. I’m home. 

August 7, 2016August 7, 2016 by kpfeelfotos Categories: Family, friends, lifestyle, newbeginnings, past, Uncategorized Leave a comment

25: an 8 month review.

Something changed within myself when I turned 25. I have been trying to put my finger on what exactly for the past 8 months. In the simplest of terms 25 has been a year of discovery. 25 is the year that I will look back on for the rest of my life as a symbol. It is the year that I have learned the most about myself thus far.

I learned to be comfortable and PROUD of being a woman. Do you know how badass we are as females?!

I learned that I love getting my nails done and wearing lipstick. Nails and lips are just natural accessories in my opinion.

I learned that my days of staying out late and drinking are long gone. Have you tried living through a hang over lately? Yeah, it is the pits and SO not worth it.

I learned that I really don’t mind waking up early even though I still like my slow starting mornings.

I learned that iced coffee is a necessity-daily-and I’ve got no shame admitting that.

I learned that it is inevitable that I will get teary eyed, or even completely let the tears flow, over a great TV show, movie or book.

I learned that girl friends are also soul mates and text messages are essential for any long distance soulmateship. (I like that. can I coin that word?)

I learned that wine and tacos are terrific period remedies. And I mean one WHOLE bottle.

I learned that my art matters and to be proud and confident are essential keys in creating more.

I learned to love myself from my head to my toes.

I learned that I love wearing hats and pairing together new outfits from old clothes.

I learned that boots are my favorite footwear.

I learned that I hate carrying a purse; but do it anyway because how else am I going to carry around everything that I seem to think I need on a daily basis?

I learned to feel even more comfortable having time to myself. Shout out to all the introverts!

I learned that journaling is an essential part of my creative and emotional process.

I learned to challenge myself on a daily basis…or weekly, if I’m being completely honest, because somedays I just don’t feel like it. (Revert back to wine and tacos on those days.)

I learned that friends become family and family is forever. Forever? forever, ever.

I learned that I love romance in the simplest of forms. I deserve to be spoiled and it’s okay to admit it!

I learned that browsing through a book or record store makes for the perfect day.

I learned that I am too selfish and spontaneous to ever want kids in the near future…or ever. Who knows? I am still learning!

I learned that forgiveness is one of the hardest and most honest forms of loving someone.

I learned that I LOVE brunch. Like, I would have brunch everyday. Please.

I learned that nostalgia is a beautiful and heartbreaking thing and I will forever miss only being a 7 minute drive from my very best friends.

I learned that I need to be in front of the camera MORE even though I really love being behind it a lot of the time.

I learned to accept any challenge that is thrown my way. I may not like it or be ready for it, but I sure as hell can WILL overcome it.

I’m still a work in progress and who knows that else I will learn. After writing this I feel like I just caught up with an old friend. I’ve missed you guys. I hope you enjoy.

Stay grateful,

KP

 

 

 

January 25, 2016April 10, 2016 by kpfeelfotos Categories: Art, beauty, Family, friends, lifestyle, newbeginnings, pastTags: 25, lifestyle, women 2 Comments

Dear Present and Future Friends,

We have officially lived in Washington for a month. This month has been filled with new adventures and learning experiences. I was nervous about starting work, but that transition ended up being less stressful than I had thought. I haven’t met anyone, outside of my coworkers, so that has been a bit discouraging.

I have had the same friends for the majority of my life. I have always had few close friends that have proven to be lasting relationships. I have become more and more introverted as I get older. There have been some opportunities for me to introduce myself and strike up a conversation with someone new, but as soon as I think I have the words ready my anxiety grabs me. Maybe it’s the fear of rejection? Maybe I’m afraid that I will say the wrong thing? How do I know if I can trust this person? I don’t know for sure where these fears come from, but those are a few questions that run through my mind when I think I’m ready to meet someone new.

If I could have all of my favorite people here, in my favorite place, then that would be perfect. Thankfully, that is just not how it works. If it did work that way, then I don’t think that I would ever escape my wallflower tendencies. Thankfully, I am able to keep up with my friends and family via texts and phone calls. Seriously, I am SO thankful for FaceTime. Although, when I sit and think about it, I may be using technology as a bit of a crutch. Of course I will continue to use it as a means of keeping in touch with loved ones, but I can’t let it keep me from developing new friendships.

Dear Forever Friend,

You know who you are. I don’t need to tell you, but I do need to say thank you.
Thank you…
for being someone that I can trust.
for all the late nights.
for the dance parties and endless laughs.
for the shoulder every time I have had tears to cry.
for every nonjudgemental conversation.
for the endless support.
for the drink after a tough week.
for being my voice of reason.
for the girl’s nights.
for missing me as much as I miss you.
for sharing your life with me.
for encouraging me to meet new people.
for feeling that tinge of jealousy, that I know you will, when I do make friends.
for picking up right where we left off, every single time.
for knowing that we are forever friends.

Dear Future Friend,

I may not know you yet, but I will have plenty to thank you for.
Thank you…
for taking the time to talk with me.
for being someone that I can trust.
for being my first friend in my new home state.
for being part of my new adventure.
for understanding that living in a new place has it’s difficulties.
for every coffee date.
for every girl’s night.
for sharing your life with me.
for encouraging me to meet new people.
for being another creative soul.
for feeling that tinge of jealousy when I am missing a forever friend.
for becoming another great forever friend.

Love always,
your forever friend.

October 30, 2015 by kpfeelfotos Categories: friends, future, newbeginnings, pastTags: friends, future, newbeginnings, newfreinds, past Leave a comment